Religion Jokes 4

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was covered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor. It read:
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T".
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah Lord."
6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The Boys".
7. David slew Goliath. He did not "kick the shit out of him."
8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook".
9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry".
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s. There will not be a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.  

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