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Doctor Jokes It was a
stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd,
pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course
in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped
him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling
a doctor, I'm already here." The
nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted
her. The supervisor couldn't believe it. The nurse's hair was unkempt, her
dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her
breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform! "Miss
Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only
looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" the
supervisor yelled. "Oh,"
said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's
those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through
using it!" "Doctor,"
the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up
for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you
tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with
his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said.
"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay,
you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband
aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife
didn't give me an erection either." A very
nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After
checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a
powerful tranquilizer. The man asked, "How often do I take
these?" "Let's start off with once every six hours. But
they're not for you," replied the doctor. "They're for your
wife." On
doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was
dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for
the services. Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was
taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker
asked. "I might as well take a look at it before the others get
here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top
half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work. "He
looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were
just the thing for him." In a
long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in
front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well,"
said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you
were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy
replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front
of me?" She had
been seeing the psychoanalyst for years, pouring out her heart to him
twice a week. However, she was making no progress, and the doctor didn't
believe she ever would. "Mrs. Porter," he said at the end
of one session, "do you think these visits are doing you any
good?" "Not really," she said. "My inferiority
complex is as strong as ever." "Mrs. Porter," the doctor said, "I have something to
tell you. You don't have an inferiority complex. You are, in fact,
inferior." A
psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his
business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising
his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it
above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it
began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from
his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out
himself. Then he began to understand why! The boy found a small
wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places. The
sign read: Psycho- A man
hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I
have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and
you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!"
says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?"
the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine,
Eight..."(seconds) A Dr. is
walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when he
passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather
loudly. His associate, a Psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he
asks him about this. "Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was
just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band."
"Aw, I
just told her she was pregnant." "My God, is she?"
"No, of
course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!" Jon's
working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and
accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency
room. The
doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I
can do." Jon
says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't
got the fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like
new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em
up." An
artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad
news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman
inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death." "When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's
wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The
guy was your doctor..." A doctor
started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she
announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out,
he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the
country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over
there. "But,
how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked. "Well,"
he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a postcard and
write 'sauerkraut' on the back." Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and
went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife
called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange postcard
in the mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it
means!" "Just wait until I get home and I'll read it," he replied.
Later that
evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said:
"Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut: Two with wieners, One
without!" A man
and his wife are on a nude beach sunbathing when a wasp accidentally flies
up into the woman's pussy. The woman screams to her husband what happened,
in which he immediately wraps her in a blanket and takes her to a doctor.
After examining the woman, the doctor decides that the wasp is too far in
to be reached with the forceps, but he has an idea. "Try slathering
your penis in honey, then having intercourse with your wife. Maybe that
will attract the wasp into coming out far enough to be reached." The
husband decides to try the idea, but because he's so nervous, he can't
rise to the occasion. The doctor says that if neither of them objects, he
will try. Given the severity of the situation, the couple agrees. The
doctor immediately strips down, slathers on some honey, and mounts the
woman. After several minutes of work, the husband asks the doctor what the
hell he thinks he's doing. "Change of plans..... I'm gonna drown that
little bastard!!!!" A man
and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of
their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small
stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for
so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what
it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this,
come back and see me." Morris
complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was
becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't
you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds
great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an
hour?" "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55
minutes!" In
Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of its
most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right
they are free to leave. This
year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the
office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor
got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for
his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit
in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty you know the tradition of this
institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two
questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you
understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a
rather sly grin. Patty
nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this.
"Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would
be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What
would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty
knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him
outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. When
Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions
would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure
that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen
if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said
remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the
doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure
out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off
your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a
smile as if he knew he had passed. But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning
was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes." The man
told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house
that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now,
Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in
plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay,"
said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my
wife." "Mr.
Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious
patient. "You only have six months to live." The man sat in
stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he
apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance.
"I can't possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine
months." Morris
walks into Dr. Marks's office and puts a note on the table in front of the
Doctor. The note says, "I can't talk, please help me!" The
doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the
table here." Morris
thinks this is a bit weird, but Mark is a specialist, so does as he says.
The doctor
takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' penis with it as hard as he can.
The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Then the doctor says, "Good, come again
tomorrow and we'll learn B!" During
her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and
climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't
undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician,
"I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're
through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor,
I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put
them on the chair, on top of mine." The
young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor,"
she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining
weight, he lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then started to
squeeze the lady's breasts.He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra
and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced,
"no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"
"Of
course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my
sister's!" A doctor
had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was
resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it
wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots
of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the
first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still
another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't
veterinarians". A man
goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knock him out,
and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, you know
pulling up the eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer. The doctor says, "Ah, I'm glad you're awake.
I'm afraid I have some mixed news." The man says "Don't hold back Doc, tell me the
bad news." The doctor says "It was worse than we thought; we had
to amputate your left leg." The man then asks "What is the good news
then?" The doctor replies, "The man in the next bed wants to buy your
slippers." The
Thomas' were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Thomas made it
clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles
or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish
more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist
admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Thomas turned to his wife Sue. "Show him
your tooth, Honey." An
agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running
his hands through his hair, almost in tears. "Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't
remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't
remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all
I could do to find my way here." "Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like
what?" At a
medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each
other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit
down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner,
one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as
things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash
her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she
gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the
male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks
how he knew. "Easy,
you're always washing your hands." "That's very clever" she
says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist". "Wow, how did you guess?" "I
didn't feel a thing" A man
went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor,
will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of
course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be," said the
patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long." A man
walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in
his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the
doctor. The
doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." A Dr.
was hurriedly going down the hallway when a nurse came rushing after him
explaining that she needed his signature on a patient’s chart. He
reached into his pocket and was about to sign his name when he realized he
was holding a rectal thermometer. "Damn!" he says to the nurse,
"some asshole has got my favorite pen!" An
eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and
family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her
husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed. Eagerly the
doctor removed the blindfold and looked down on the cake, and immediately
burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake,
with 40 marzipan eyes! The
guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and
whipping his eyes, the doctor said: A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal
deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man
insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes
man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such
an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only
weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring
in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following
day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the
pharmacist. The
pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it
is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state,
"Push up bottom to use." |
