Animal
Jokes 4
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to
breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that
none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet
tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer
doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will
stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud
when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it
some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination
means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his
truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings
them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks
out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he
concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck
again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good
measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find
the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and
proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all
day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into
bed. The next morning, he cannot even
raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look
out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says,
"they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
A bear and a rabbit were having a shit
in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when
shit gets stuck to your fir?", and the rabbit replies "No, not
really." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with
it.
This blind fella is standing at the
corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his
pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice
herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket
pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also
waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts,
"None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog
just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?" "Yes, I'm trying to break him of
that habit", replies the blind man. "Well, it's none of my
business," retorts the onlooker, "but you're not going to
teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!" To which the blind
fella chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find
his head so I can kick his ass!"
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